Post by spoilerspielman on Jul 9, 2008 13:52:03 GMT -11
Gotta hand it to that crack editing team at GHI. I mean who could've known from the way the episode was cut that all this side stuff happened? Here once more, are the scenes which never made it out of the editing room [j/k]
'Laugh and Grow Fat."
-Fatman
SCENE 1
Walkthrough: Screaming Woods
[cut to a shot of the team at Paddy's Pub, the only bar in Pluckley village. The six enter the pub only to be welcomed by suspicious faces and errie occult decorations on the walls. The crowd of drunks is fixed on a small TV showing the England/Belarus exhibition match-England is being trounced 8-0. The team catiously Approaches the bartender, looking for some info on the screaming woods]
Bartender: What can I do you for?
Robb: Hi, we're looking for the screaming woods.
Drunk #1: Ya mean the deering woods? [BURP]
Robb: Yeah whatever, the freakin' woods, any info on them? We're uh...ghost hunters.
[The patrons turn their heads away dismissively and continue watching the game. Meanwhile, Brian starts poking one of the occult designs on the wall; it is a bloody pentagram with candles in front of it.]
Brian: Check it out Donna, this thing is creepy....
Donna: Oh My God! Is that a pentagram!
Shannon: Looks like some weird occult stuff...
Brian: Awesome! I bet its satanic dude, this village might be the real deal! [Brian starts to poke the bloody symbol]
Patron #1: You there with the jagged teeth! Don't touch that!
[The team looks around and begins to notice there are eerie symbols all around them.]
Shannon [whispers to Rob]: Hey Robb, what's with all the symbols?
Robb: Probably some stupid euro-fetish. You know how they are over here with the [bleeped]-play and bondage.
Shannon: Ummmm...no I don't actually.
Patron #2: Those symbols keep the spirits away! Leave them be.
Brian: Sorry dude...
Bartender: Ya stay far from the deering woods...they're haunted.
Barry: Actually sir...its not deerin', its screamin'...according to legend-
[After hearing Barry's accent, the entire pub stares at the team. They don't like Irish people.]
Drunk #2: Who brought him here!?
Donna: Uh, we did...we're Ghost Hunters...
Bartender: We don't serve them-he'll have to wait outside.
Barry: [bleeped]!
Robb: Brian, maybe you should take Barry outside...
[Brian grabs Barry and takes him out of the pub]
Brian: Its okay Barry, racism exists evewywhea. For example, did you know that C3PO can't get a drink at the Mos Eisley Cantina?
Barry: Who?
Brian: It's because he's a droid dude...real sad.
[Barry just stares at Brian, in awe of the ridiculous analogy between Star Wars and racism.]
Barry: Oh Brian...drop dead...
Brian: It's true! But don't worry, one day, we'll live in a world where Droids and the Irish can sit togetha in harmony.
Barry: ...[bleeped]
[back in the pub, Robb is trying to mingle with the bartender.]
Robb: So any info on how to get to the deering/screaming woods?
Bartender: Just stay away from that place...I told ya, its not safe.
Robb: Alright Paddy, thanks for the info. C'mon guys lets go-
Drunk #1: -Listen real careful Yanks!
Andy: Actually, I'm a Red Sox fan. [smiles goofily]
Drunk #1 [points at Andy]: The Deerin woods are no place for children either! Those woods are haunted at nightfall! Don't stray from da main road!
Bartender: You'd do yourself some good listenin' to him.
Donna: Okay...we'll keep it in mind.
Shannon: Yeah, we'll just leave you to your soccer game then-
[Suddenly, gasps come over the patrons and the bartender. They now all look angrily at the entire team; two of the drunks get up as if prepared to fight...]
Shannon: Um...something I said?
Drunk#2: Its not 'soccer', its foot-ball! You 'kick' the ball with your foot, not throw it! It's not that rubbish you wankas play in the states with the helmets and armor!
Robb: Whoa, just, whoa! How can you compare our game of gridiron killer instincts to that ballet on turf you brits call a sport! What are you high?
[Robb is a die hard Miami Dolphins fan. He tries to integrate football and thus the Dolphins, into every aspect of his life as well as his investigations.]
Drunk: #2: Actually, I'm drunk thank you very much! [BURP] And so long as you're in OUR country you will call our sport 'football'!
Robb: I can't, because, football is a real sport played by real men pal! Back in my home town, of Gator's Creek Florida, only little kids play soccer!
Drunk #1: Call it football! Say it now ya benda!
Robb: In fact, some soccer little leagues are actually coed! Get it? Girls can play on the same field as men! That is so [bleeped]...
Andy: Robb, stop! You're making it worse! I can't get into a bar fight, I'm not...'built' for that kind of stuff...
Robb: No hold on a sec. You people ever heard of the man that has come the closest of any other human being in history to equating a living God!?
Bartender: You mean David Beckham?
Robb: NO! I mean Dan Marino! He's a man's man! He doesn't listen to the Spice Girls AND, he doesn't wear shorts!
Drunk #2: No one disgraces Beckham's name in here! Get em'!
Robb: Bring it! I summon the Dolphin Gods to defend me! [Robb takes a karate stance] C'mon sucka!
[The three drunks rush the team with bottles and chairs. Robb grabs Andy and throws him feebily into the fray, effectively using him as a human shield]
Robb: Get in there Andy! Take one for the team! [turns to Donna and Shannon] alright guys-RUN!
Andy: No!!!! AIIIIEEEE!!!!!
[the team flies out of the pub, leaving Andy to get thrashed by the drunks. They run to Brian and Barry who are by the vehicles]
Barry: What happened!
Robb: Start the car! Drunks are coming!
Shannon: Hurry!
[the team jump in their vans and drive off. Robb calls Brian on the walkie talkie]
Robb: Brian you got the map?
Brian [walkie talkie]: Right here dude!
Robb: Lead the way good buddy...
Donna: What about Andy?
[Robb glances in the rear view mirror and sees Andy being tossed out of a window]
Robb: He'll find his way back...he's like a dog, you know.
END SCENE
SCENE 2
Walkthrough: Screaming Woods
[cut to a shot of the team in the middle of the screaming woods. They are lost and carrying their equipment around aimlessly.]
Donna: Brian, do you have any idea where we are?
Brian: Um...we're here [Brian points to the green shaded area on the map labeled 'forest']
Donna: Okay, I see that we're IN the forest, but the question is WHERE in the forest are we?
Brian: Well...that twig over there looks familiar...
Robb: Gimme the map Brian...last time I trust you to get mapquest directions!
Donna: You got this off of mapquest!?
Brian: Yeah! Where else was I gonna get directions from?
Donna: How could you screw up mapquest!? It's idiot proof! Just follow the directions-
Robb: It says: left on the dark cave, left on the oak tree, left on the river and left onto the small clearing...
Shannon: That's four lefts...oh God...
Donna: Four lefts! We've been going in circles!
Robb: Isn't four lefts a square?
Brian: Okay, so I was right then, that twig over there DOES look familiar...
[Donna snatched the map from Robb and beats Brian over the head with it until it crumbles up
Robb: Alright ladies break it up!
[Behind them, they all hear a yelp coming from the endless forest.]
Shannon: Did you guys hear that!?
Barry: It sounded like a scream...
Unknown Girly Voice: AIIIEEEE!
Donna: Someone's crying out for help!
Shannon: These really are the screaming woods!
Brian: ALright! So I did it! I got us here!
Barry: No, you got us lost Brian.
Unknown Girly Voice: ARRRGGHHH!
Robb: Quick everyone, grab your equipment! Brian, setup a command center, stat!
Brian: Huh, you mean right here?
Robb: Dammit Brian! Just think of something to get us power okay?
Brian: Alright dude, don't scream at me, thats why I left the other show...
[the team grab their thermal cameras and emf detectors.]
Shannon: C'mon out you limey spook!
Donna: Yeah, give us a sign of your presence!
Barry: Its comin' closer! Do you hear it?
[From the forest emerges Andy, who was tarred and feathered and then beaten to a pulp. He is screaming in tongues because the Drunks taped his mouth shut. Robb thinks he's a leprechaun.]
Andy: AHHHH!!!!! MMMPPPPHHHH!
Robb: Oh no a Leprechaun! Let's kick his [bleeped]!
Shannon: Get em!
Barry: Leprechaun!? Wait, that can't be, we're not in Ireland!
Robb: [turns to BArry angrily] Hey man! Whose side are you on, ours or the leprechaun's?
Donna: We have to defend ourselves against this inhuman being!
[The team circles Andy and begin to kick and pound him to the ground. Andy is subsequently knocked out]
Robb: We got em!
Shannon: GHI in da house!
Robb: Brian tell me you got that on tape!
[Brian runs back exhausted]
Brian: Dude...I couldn't...I'm still lookin for a power outlet...
END SCENE
SCENE 3
Walkthrough: Screaming Woods
[camera fades in to the team in the screaming woods, after duct taping Andy to a tree. They still think he's a leprechaun.]
Robb: Hey you know what...I just thought of something: don't leprechauns have pots o' gold?
Shannon: Me too, that's exactly what I was thinking!
Donna: Oh yeah...jackpot!
[Donna and Shannon high five]
Barry: I must say that this is grossly incorrect...Leprechauns are not native to this area...
Robb: Well maybe one decided to come here and visit! I mean is that so god-[bleeped] inplausible? Jesus Barry.
Shannon: I know, think intuitively. Leprechauns could've easily migrated here...maybe they dont like it in Scotland anymore.
Barry: It's Ireland! Leprechauns are from Ireland!
Shannon: OMG, Scotland/Ireland/England/Iceland, fine, whatever! Sorry for getting the wrong 'land'. You know, if they're all separate countries, then why do you guys call it the 'UNITED KINGDOM"?
Donna: Yeah, and the "EUROPEAN UNION"?
[Barry is turning red at their ignorance. All the while, Andy, whose face is covered in tar and feathers and still has his mouth taped shut, starts coming to. He is startled to see himself tied to a tree]
Andy: MMPPHHH!!!
Robb: Boy this Leprechaun looks real skinny and short...even for a leprechaun.
[Robb removes the tap from Andy's mouth.]
Andy: OWWWW!!!!!
Donna: WTF? Andy?
Andy: What are you guys doing to me?
Robb: I think the real question is...where's your pot o' gold?
Andy: What are you talking about!
Shannon: He kinda does sound like Andy...
Brian: Neva fear Shannon, detective wheezy is on the case! So...[circles Andy]...if ya really are Andy, and not a leprechaun-
Andy: You guys think I'm a leprechaun?! What's wrong with you people!
Robb: Why are you dressed like that? Huh? Explain that!
Andy: Those drunk soccer hooligans back at the pub tarred me, feathered me and taped my mouth shut!
Brian: What color is Jason's unda-wear!?
Andy: What?
Brian: Ya know what I'm talking about ya brown noser!
Andy: This is crazy! I'm not a leprechaun!
[Donna looks Andy over and notices something in the bottom of his shirt. She lifts it up, revealing the top part of his spider man pajamas after the drunks tried to 'wedgie' him to death]
Donna: Aha! Here's the proof!
Brian: Oh yeah, that's right, your lucky spidey pajamas! You always wear them to an investigation...I guess there's no hiding the fact that you're such a dork!
Andy: I wouldn't talk what with your 'Fruit of the Loom Special Chewbacca Edition!'
Brian: Ya promised you would keep ya pie hole shut about that!
Shannon: Wait a sec, why do you guys know so much about each others underwear?
[crickets]
Brian: um...
Robb: Whatever...I'm disappointed...I really wanted to be rich. Oh well, no harm no foul right bro?
[Robb pats Andy on the head]
Andy: Yeah...
Robb: Alright [bleeped] it. Let's do what we came here to do. Brian, is that command center up yet?
[Brian gives Robb a defeated look, as he can't figure out a way to get the cameras and computer equipment setup in the middle of the woods]
Brian: No coach...
Robb: Then stop wasting time talking to me.
END SCENE
SCENE 4
Investigation: The Screaming Woods
[cut to a scene of Robb and Andy investigating the screaming woods. They have lost track of the other team members after Robb insisted that everyone 'split up' to try and cover as much of the forest as possible.]
Robb: You know, I have a great feeling about these woods. I'm convinced there's evidence of the paranormal here.
Andy: Yeah, I can't really share your sentiment...you know, after the whole leprechaun thing.
Robb: Well...I'll admit, I dropped the ball on that one. But I swear the next time I think you're a leprechaun, and you say that you're not, I will totally believe you.
Andy: gee...Thanks.
[Suddenly, Robb's cell goes off. It's Barry who is calling him because he's lost with Brian.]
Barry [cell phone]: Hello? [static]...lost...[static]...oy...
Robb: Guys I can't hear you. I don't have good reception out here.
Barry [cell phone]: [static]...help...
[Robb hangs up].
Robb: Okay, that last part sounded like they're in trouble. Say Andy, why don't you...um...climb that tree and call them back.
Andy: You want me to climb a tree?
Robb: Yeah, I think that's the best way to get reception out here.
Andy: Maybe that's not such a good idea...
Robb: I think it is. Let's see, how about...[scans around him and arbitrarily choses a tree]...this nice big sturdy one right here?
Andy: It's just...you know, dangerous.
Robb: Well, I mean you do have, um, chimp-like features.
[Andy looks down at his frail body and curses the Lord for it]
Robb: I mean your arms are all skinny and your legs so, rubbery, its like...I always imagine you dangling from a zoo keepers neck, you know like in the tonight show-
Andy: Okay, just give me the cell phone.
[cut now to Barry and Brian in the woods. they are lost as well. Brian is hauling around two cases and a folding table on his back, desperately looking for a place to setup the command center]
Brian: Dude....Barry...wait up...I'm really tired.
Barry: Brian why didn't you leave that stuff back in the van by the road?
Brian: But Robb wants me to setup the command center.
[Barry looks down in frustration and puts his arm around Brian in consolation]
Barry: Brian, don't you see that Robb is crazy?
Brian: I don't care dude, I like him betta than Jason.
Barry: We need to find our way back to the vans. Listen, why don't we stop and try to let the forest talk to us. Let it guide us back in.
Brian: Dude, what are ya talkin' about?
Barry: The forest has lots of energy inside of it that can guide us, but only if we let it in.
Brian: Really? Hmmmm
[in the midst of Brian's contemplation, Barry's cell goes off]
END SCENE
SCENE 5
Investigation: The Screaming Woods
[Fade in to a shot of Robb and Andy in their section of the forest. Andy has successfully climbed the tree and is trying to call Barry back on the cell phone]
Robb: How many bars do you have!?
Andy: Ummm...full bars!
Robb: Great!
[Andy dials, and gets through.]
Andy: Hello Barry? Can you hear me?
Robb: Hey Andy! Ask Barry if Brian got that command center setup yet!
Barry [cell phone]: I can hear ya loud and clear Andy, but I have no idea where we are...
Andy: Do you guys have maybe like a flare gun or something?
[Meanwhile, Robb is waiting by the foot of the tree, when from the woods, emerge the three drunks from the bar.]
Robb: Oh [bleeped]...
Drunk #1: Have at you Yanks!
[Robb flees the scene and leaves Andy up on the tree. Just as the drunks begin to give chase, they hear Andy calling out to Robb from up on the tree]
Andy: Hey Rob! Barry says he talked to Shannon who remembers she had a flare gun! ...Robb?
Drunk #2: Oy! It's the child from the pub!
Drunk #3: Come down here lil one! We won't hurt ya!
Andy: Oh no! Robb! Where are you?!
[The drunks start throwing bottles and rocks at Andy while he is up on the tree]
Andy: No! Stop it!
END SCENE
SCENE 6
Investigation: The Screaming Woods
[cut to a scene of Robb running through the screaming woods, which are now slowly burning. Somewhere there is a forest fire. he manages to find Barry, Shannon and Brian arguing next to a nearby fire.]
Robb: Guys! Boy am I glad to see you!
Shannon: Wait what happened to Andy?
[Robb pauses and choses his words carefully, so as to not reveal that he abandoned him to the drunks]
Robb: Bear got em...
Barry: What?!
Robb: yeah...this bear like, came out of nowhere and started mouthing off...
Shannon: Is there something you're not telling us?
[Robb stalls and tries to change the subject.]
Robb: um...wait, where's Donna?
Shannon: ...deer.
Barry: Hold on! This all sounds fishy!
Robb: And what's up with this fire huh? What happened here?
Shannon: This...is Brian's command center.
Robb: What!?
[Robb walks over to Brian who is busy taping cameras to tree branches]
Robb: What the hell is this!?
Brian: Dude, I figured out that if we make a fire, we'll be able to get some energy going...
Robb: ...
Brian: Because this forest has all this energy, and the only way to release that energy is with fire. You know, like in that movie 'cast away'?
Robb: ...
Brian: ...um...one question though. How many cameras do you want? Because I already buried the thermal cam into a ditch to get a ground view of this area; and lets see, the DVR cam was glued to a squirrel I found lookin for some nuts, hence the creation of the 'rascal cam'. Pretty neat huh? I figured that, you know, since animals are all 'sensitive' and stuff, that they would probably be able to pick up spiritual activity better than we are. Me and Donna tried taping one of the audio recodas to this deer's antlers, but that didn't go so well.
Robb: Brian?
Brian: Yeah coach?
[Robb snorts up what was left of his dinner and spits it at Brian's face. he walks off, disgusted]
Robb: C'mon, let's stick together and find our way back to the van
Shannon: Sorry Brian.
Brian: It's okay Shanie, I still like him better than Jason and Grant.
[They leave the forest behind them in flames; the screaming woods are no more.]
END SCENE
FINAL SCENE
Recreation: Sherwood Forest National Park
[The next day after the screaming woods burned down, Robb decided to take the group to Sherwood forest to cool off. Cut to a 'talking head' shot of Robb]
Robb: I though it'd be a great idea for the team to see a forest that they could uh, play around in and stuff, you know, without burning it down.
[Camera cuts to the team at the forest's entrance.]
Brian: We can play dress up dude! I'll be Wheezy Hood, and Donna, you can be my Maid Marian!
Donna: Actually, You don't seem like the 'Robin Hood' type to me, more like 'little John-son'
Robb: Oh Ho! Burned!
Shannon: Classic!
Brian: Humph. Fine then, Andy can be Maid Marian-
Andy: -Brian, in case you didn't hear me the first 500 times: [bleeped] you.
Brian: Whateva, and you [points to Shannon] can be the 'Shannon of Naughty-ham'!
Shannon: No thanks, I kinda grew outta my playing dress up stage around the same time I started wearing a training bra.
Barry: Well I've never wore a bra, so Brian, I'll be ya Sheriff of Nottingham!
Brian: Awesome Barry! Let's get into costume!
[Brian and Barry run off giggling like schoolgirls.]
Shannon: Something's wrong with those two.
Robb: Ever notice how Barry looks like a constipated version of Phil Collins?
Donna: Lol...
FIN
Coming Soon:
GHI grabs their magic wands and travel to...[drumroll]...HOGWARTS!!!!
GHI Lost Episode: The Curse of Harry Potter
-Stay Wired
SS
'Laugh and Grow Fat."
-Fatman
SCENE 1
Walkthrough: Screaming Woods
[cut to a shot of the team at Paddy's Pub, the only bar in Pluckley village. The six enter the pub only to be welcomed by suspicious faces and errie occult decorations on the walls. The crowd of drunks is fixed on a small TV showing the England/Belarus exhibition match-England is being trounced 8-0. The team catiously Approaches the bartender, looking for some info on the screaming woods]
Bartender: What can I do you for?
Robb: Hi, we're looking for the screaming woods.
Drunk #1: Ya mean the deering woods? [BURP]
Robb: Yeah whatever, the freakin' woods, any info on them? We're uh...ghost hunters.
[The patrons turn their heads away dismissively and continue watching the game. Meanwhile, Brian starts poking one of the occult designs on the wall; it is a bloody pentagram with candles in front of it.]
Brian: Check it out Donna, this thing is creepy....
Donna: Oh My God! Is that a pentagram!
Shannon: Looks like some weird occult stuff...
Brian: Awesome! I bet its satanic dude, this village might be the real deal! [Brian starts to poke the bloody symbol]
Patron #1: You there with the jagged teeth! Don't touch that!
[The team looks around and begins to notice there are eerie symbols all around them.]
Shannon [whispers to Rob]: Hey Robb, what's with all the symbols?
Robb: Probably some stupid euro-fetish. You know how they are over here with the [bleeped]-play and bondage.
Shannon: Ummmm...no I don't actually.
Patron #2: Those symbols keep the spirits away! Leave them be.
Brian: Sorry dude...
Bartender: Ya stay far from the deering woods...they're haunted.
Barry: Actually sir...its not deerin', its screamin'...according to legend-
[After hearing Barry's accent, the entire pub stares at the team. They don't like Irish people.]
Drunk #2: Who brought him here!?
Donna: Uh, we did...we're Ghost Hunters...
Bartender: We don't serve them-he'll have to wait outside.
Barry: [bleeped]!
Robb: Brian, maybe you should take Barry outside...
[Brian grabs Barry and takes him out of the pub]
Brian: Its okay Barry, racism exists evewywhea. For example, did you know that C3PO can't get a drink at the Mos Eisley Cantina?
Barry: Who?
Brian: It's because he's a droid dude...real sad.
[Barry just stares at Brian, in awe of the ridiculous analogy between Star Wars and racism.]
Barry: Oh Brian...drop dead...
Brian: It's true! But don't worry, one day, we'll live in a world where Droids and the Irish can sit togetha in harmony.
Barry: ...[bleeped]
[back in the pub, Robb is trying to mingle with the bartender.]
Robb: So any info on how to get to the deering/screaming woods?
Bartender: Just stay away from that place...I told ya, its not safe.
Robb: Alright Paddy, thanks for the info. C'mon guys lets go-
Drunk #1: -Listen real careful Yanks!
Andy: Actually, I'm a Red Sox fan. [smiles goofily]
Drunk #1 [points at Andy]: The Deerin woods are no place for children either! Those woods are haunted at nightfall! Don't stray from da main road!
Bartender: You'd do yourself some good listenin' to him.
Donna: Okay...we'll keep it in mind.
Shannon: Yeah, we'll just leave you to your soccer game then-
[Suddenly, gasps come over the patrons and the bartender. They now all look angrily at the entire team; two of the drunks get up as if prepared to fight...]
Shannon: Um...something I said?
Drunk#2: Its not 'soccer', its foot-ball! You 'kick' the ball with your foot, not throw it! It's not that rubbish you wankas play in the states with the helmets and armor!
Robb: Whoa, just, whoa! How can you compare our game of gridiron killer instincts to that ballet on turf you brits call a sport! What are you high?
[Robb is a die hard Miami Dolphins fan. He tries to integrate football and thus the Dolphins, into every aspect of his life as well as his investigations.]
Drunk: #2: Actually, I'm drunk thank you very much! [BURP] And so long as you're in OUR country you will call our sport 'football'!
Robb: I can't, because, football is a real sport played by real men pal! Back in my home town, of Gator's Creek Florida, only little kids play soccer!
Drunk #1: Call it football! Say it now ya benda!
Robb: In fact, some soccer little leagues are actually coed! Get it? Girls can play on the same field as men! That is so [bleeped]...
Andy: Robb, stop! You're making it worse! I can't get into a bar fight, I'm not...'built' for that kind of stuff...
Robb: No hold on a sec. You people ever heard of the man that has come the closest of any other human being in history to equating a living God!?
Bartender: You mean David Beckham?
Robb: NO! I mean Dan Marino! He's a man's man! He doesn't listen to the Spice Girls AND, he doesn't wear shorts!
Drunk #2: No one disgraces Beckham's name in here! Get em'!
Robb: Bring it! I summon the Dolphin Gods to defend me! [Robb takes a karate stance] C'mon sucka!
[The three drunks rush the team with bottles and chairs. Robb grabs Andy and throws him feebily into the fray, effectively using him as a human shield]
Robb: Get in there Andy! Take one for the team! [turns to Donna and Shannon] alright guys-RUN!
Andy: No!!!! AIIIIEEEE!!!!!
[the team flies out of the pub, leaving Andy to get thrashed by the drunks. They run to Brian and Barry who are by the vehicles]
Barry: What happened!
Robb: Start the car! Drunks are coming!
Shannon: Hurry!
[the team jump in their vans and drive off. Robb calls Brian on the walkie talkie]
Robb: Brian you got the map?
Brian [walkie talkie]: Right here dude!
Robb: Lead the way good buddy...
Donna: What about Andy?
[Robb glances in the rear view mirror and sees Andy being tossed out of a window]
Robb: He'll find his way back...he's like a dog, you know.
END SCENE
SCENE 2
Walkthrough: Screaming Woods
[cut to a shot of the team in the middle of the screaming woods. They are lost and carrying their equipment around aimlessly.]
Donna: Brian, do you have any idea where we are?
Brian: Um...we're here [Brian points to the green shaded area on the map labeled 'forest']
Donna: Okay, I see that we're IN the forest, but the question is WHERE in the forest are we?
Brian: Well...that twig over there looks familiar...
Robb: Gimme the map Brian...last time I trust you to get mapquest directions!
Donna: You got this off of mapquest!?
Brian: Yeah! Where else was I gonna get directions from?
Donna: How could you screw up mapquest!? It's idiot proof! Just follow the directions-
Robb: It says: left on the dark cave, left on the oak tree, left on the river and left onto the small clearing...
Shannon: That's four lefts...oh God...
Donna: Four lefts! We've been going in circles!
Robb: Isn't four lefts a square?
Brian: Okay, so I was right then, that twig over there DOES look familiar...
[Donna snatched the map from Robb and beats Brian over the head with it until it crumbles up
Robb: Alright ladies break it up!
[Behind them, they all hear a yelp coming from the endless forest.]
Shannon: Did you guys hear that!?
Barry: It sounded like a scream...
Unknown Girly Voice: AIIIEEEE!
Donna: Someone's crying out for help!
Shannon: These really are the screaming woods!
Brian: ALright! So I did it! I got us here!
Barry: No, you got us lost Brian.
Unknown Girly Voice: ARRRGGHHH!
Robb: Quick everyone, grab your equipment! Brian, setup a command center, stat!
Brian: Huh, you mean right here?
Robb: Dammit Brian! Just think of something to get us power okay?
Brian: Alright dude, don't scream at me, thats why I left the other show...
[the team grab their thermal cameras and emf detectors.]
Shannon: C'mon out you limey spook!
Donna: Yeah, give us a sign of your presence!
Barry: Its comin' closer! Do you hear it?
[From the forest emerges Andy, who was tarred and feathered and then beaten to a pulp. He is screaming in tongues because the Drunks taped his mouth shut. Robb thinks he's a leprechaun.]
Andy: AHHHH!!!!! MMMPPPPHHHH!
Robb: Oh no a Leprechaun! Let's kick his [bleeped]!
Shannon: Get em!
Barry: Leprechaun!? Wait, that can't be, we're not in Ireland!
Robb: [turns to BArry angrily] Hey man! Whose side are you on, ours or the leprechaun's?
Donna: We have to defend ourselves against this inhuman being!
[The team circles Andy and begin to kick and pound him to the ground. Andy is subsequently knocked out]
Robb: We got em!
Shannon: GHI in da house!
Robb: Brian tell me you got that on tape!
[Brian runs back exhausted]
Brian: Dude...I couldn't...I'm still lookin for a power outlet...
END SCENE
SCENE 3
Walkthrough: Screaming Woods
[camera fades in to the team in the screaming woods, after duct taping Andy to a tree. They still think he's a leprechaun.]
Robb: Hey you know what...I just thought of something: don't leprechauns have pots o' gold?
Shannon: Me too, that's exactly what I was thinking!
Donna: Oh yeah...jackpot!
[Donna and Shannon high five]
Barry: I must say that this is grossly incorrect...Leprechauns are not native to this area...
Robb: Well maybe one decided to come here and visit! I mean is that so god-[bleeped] inplausible? Jesus Barry.
Shannon: I know, think intuitively. Leprechauns could've easily migrated here...maybe they dont like it in Scotland anymore.
Barry: It's Ireland! Leprechauns are from Ireland!
Shannon: OMG, Scotland/Ireland/England/Iceland, fine, whatever! Sorry for getting the wrong 'land'. You know, if they're all separate countries, then why do you guys call it the 'UNITED KINGDOM"?
Donna: Yeah, and the "EUROPEAN UNION"?
[Barry is turning red at their ignorance. All the while, Andy, whose face is covered in tar and feathers and still has his mouth taped shut, starts coming to. He is startled to see himself tied to a tree]
Andy: MMPPHHH!!!
Robb: Boy this Leprechaun looks real skinny and short...even for a leprechaun.
[Robb removes the tap from Andy's mouth.]
Andy: OWWWW!!!!!
Donna: WTF? Andy?
Andy: What are you guys doing to me?
Robb: I think the real question is...where's your pot o' gold?
Andy: What are you talking about!
Shannon: He kinda does sound like Andy...
Brian: Neva fear Shannon, detective wheezy is on the case! So...[circles Andy]...if ya really are Andy, and not a leprechaun-
Andy: You guys think I'm a leprechaun?! What's wrong with you people!
Robb: Why are you dressed like that? Huh? Explain that!
Andy: Those drunk soccer hooligans back at the pub tarred me, feathered me and taped my mouth shut!
Brian: What color is Jason's unda-wear!?
Andy: What?
Brian: Ya know what I'm talking about ya brown noser!
Andy: This is crazy! I'm not a leprechaun!
[Donna looks Andy over and notices something in the bottom of his shirt. She lifts it up, revealing the top part of his spider man pajamas after the drunks tried to 'wedgie' him to death]
Donna: Aha! Here's the proof!
Brian: Oh yeah, that's right, your lucky spidey pajamas! You always wear them to an investigation...I guess there's no hiding the fact that you're such a dork!
Andy: I wouldn't talk what with your 'Fruit of the Loom Special Chewbacca Edition!'
Brian: Ya promised you would keep ya pie hole shut about that!
Shannon: Wait a sec, why do you guys know so much about each others underwear?
[crickets]
Brian: um...
Robb: Whatever...I'm disappointed...I really wanted to be rich. Oh well, no harm no foul right bro?
[Robb pats Andy on the head]
Andy: Yeah...
Robb: Alright [bleeped] it. Let's do what we came here to do. Brian, is that command center up yet?
[Brian gives Robb a defeated look, as he can't figure out a way to get the cameras and computer equipment setup in the middle of the woods]
Brian: No coach...
Robb: Then stop wasting time talking to me.
END SCENE
SCENE 4
Investigation: The Screaming Woods
[cut to a scene of Robb and Andy investigating the screaming woods. They have lost track of the other team members after Robb insisted that everyone 'split up' to try and cover as much of the forest as possible.]
Robb: You know, I have a great feeling about these woods. I'm convinced there's evidence of the paranormal here.
Andy: Yeah, I can't really share your sentiment...you know, after the whole leprechaun thing.
Robb: Well...I'll admit, I dropped the ball on that one. But I swear the next time I think you're a leprechaun, and you say that you're not, I will totally believe you.
Andy: gee...Thanks.
[Suddenly, Robb's cell goes off. It's Barry who is calling him because he's lost with Brian.]
Barry [cell phone]: Hello? [static]...lost...[static]...oy...
Robb: Guys I can't hear you. I don't have good reception out here.
Barry [cell phone]: [static]...help...
[Robb hangs up].
Robb: Okay, that last part sounded like they're in trouble. Say Andy, why don't you...um...climb that tree and call them back.
Andy: You want me to climb a tree?
Robb: Yeah, I think that's the best way to get reception out here.
Andy: Maybe that's not such a good idea...
Robb: I think it is. Let's see, how about...[scans around him and arbitrarily choses a tree]...this nice big sturdy one right here?
Andy: It's just...you know, dangerous.
Robb: Well, I mean you do have, um, chimp-like features.
[Andy looks down at his frail body and curses the Lord for it]
Robb: I mean your arms are all skinny and your legs so, rubbery, its like...I always imagine you dangling from a zoo keepers neck, you know like in the tonight show-
Andy: Okay, just give me the cell phone.
[cut now to Barry and Brian in the woods. they are lost as well. Brian is hauling around two cases and a folding table on his back, desperately looking for a place to setup the command center]
Brian: Dude....Barry...wait up...I'm really tired.
Barry: Brian why didn't you leave that stuff back in the van by the road?
Brian: But Robb wants me to setup the command center.
[Barry looks down in frustration and puts his arm around Brian in consolation]
Barry: Brian, don't you see that Robb is crazy?
Brian: I don't care dude, I like him betta than Jason.
Barry: We need to find our way back to the vans. Listen, why don't we stop and try to let the forest talk to us. Let it guide us back in.
Brian: Dude, what are ya talkin' about?
Barry: The forest has lots of energy inside of it that can guide us, but only if we let it in.
Brian: Really? Hmmmm
[in the midst of Brian's contemplation, Barry's cell goes off]
END SCENE
SCENE 5
Investigation: The Screaming Woods
[Fade in to a shot of Robb and Andy in their section of the forest. Andy has successfully climbed the tree and is trying to call Barry back on the cell phone]
Robb: How many bars do you have!?
Andy: Ummm...full bars!
Robb: Great!
[Andy dials, and gets through.]
Andy: Hello Barry? Can you hear me?
Robb: Hey Andy! Ask Barry if Brian got that command center setup yet!
Barry [cell phone]: I can hear ya loud and clear Andy, but I have no idea where we are...
Andy: Do you guys have maybe like a flare gun or something?
[Meanwhile, Robb is waiting by the foot of the tree, when from the woods, emerge the three drunks from the bar.]
Robb: Oh [bleeped]...
Drunk #1: Have at you Yanks!
[Robb flees the scene and leaves Andy up on the tree. Just as the drunks begin to give chase, they hear Andy calling out to Robb from up on the tree]
Andy: Hey Rob! Barry says he talked to Shannon who remembers she had a flare gun! ...Robb?
Drunk #2: Oy! It's the child from the pub!
Drunk #3: Come down here lil one! We won't hurt ya!
Andy: Oh no! Robb! Where are you?!
[The drunks start throwing bottles and rocks at Andy while he is up on the tree]
Andy: No! Stop it!
END SCENE
SCENE 6
Investigation: The Screaming Woods
[cut to a scene of Robb running through the screaming woods, which are now slowly burning. Somewhere there is a forest fire. he manages to find Barry, Shannon and Brian arguing next to a nearby fire.]
Robb: Guys! Boy am I glad to see you!
Shannon: Wait what happened to Andy?
[Robb pauses and choses his words carefully, so as to not reveal that he abandoned him to the drunks]
Robb: Bear got em...
Barry: What?!
Robb: yeah...this bear like, came out of nowhere and started mouthing off...
Shannon: Is there something you're not telling us?
[Robb stalls and tries to change the subject.]
Robb: um...wait, where's Donna?
Shannon: ...deer.
Barry: Hold on! This all sounds fishy!
Robb: And what's up with this fire huh? What happened here?
Shannon: This...is Brian's command center.
Robb: What!?
[Robb walks over to Brian who is busy taping cameras to tree branches]
Robb: What the hell is this!?
Brian: Dude, I figured out that if we make a fire, we'll be able to get some energy going...
Robb: ...
Brian: Because this forest has all this energy, and the only way to release that energy is with fire. You know, like in that movie 'cast away'?
Robb: ...
Brian: ...um...one question though. How many cameras do you want? Because I already buried the thermal cam into a ditch to get a ground view of this area; and lets see, the DVR cam was glued to a squirrel I found lookin for some nuts, hence the creation of the 'rascal cam'. Pretty neat huh? I figured that, you know, since animals are all 'sensitive' and stuff, that they would probably be able to pick up spiritual activity better than we are. Me and Donna tried taping one of the audio recodas to this deer's antlers, but that didn't go so well.
Robb: Brian?
Brian: Yeah coach?
[Robb snorts up what was left of his dinner and spits it at Brian's face. he walks off, disgusted]
Robb: C'mon, let's stick together and find our way back to the van
Shannon: Sorry Brian.
Brian: It's okay Shanie, I still like him better than Jason and Grant.
[They leave the forest behind them in flames; the screaming woods are no more.]
END SCENE
FINAL SCENE
Recreation: Sherwood Forest National Park
[The next day after the screaming woods burned down, Robb decided to take the group to Sherwood forest to cool off. Cut to a 'talking head' shot of Robb]
Robb: I though it'd be a great idea for the team to see a forest that they could uh, play around in and stuff, you know, without burning it down.
[Camera cuts to the team at the forest's entrance.]
Brian: We can play dress up dude! I'll be Wheezy Hood, and Donna, you can be my Maid Marian!
Donna: Actually, You don't seem like the 'Robin Hood' type to me, more like 'little John-son'
Robb: Oh Ho! Burned!
Shannon: Classic!
Brian: Humph. Fine then, Andy can be Maid Marian-
Andy: -Brian, in case you didn't hear me the first 500 times: [bleeped] you.
Brian: Whateva, and you [points to Shannon] can be the 'Shannon of Naughty-ham'!
Shannon: No thanks, I kinda grew outta my playing dress up stage around the same time I started wearing a training bra.
Barry: Well I've never wore a bra, so Brian, I'll be ya Sheriff of Nottingham!
Brian: Awesome Barry! Let's get into costume!
[Brian and Barry run off giggling like schoolgirls.]
Shannon: Something's wrong with those two.
Robb: Ever notice how Barry looks like a constipated version of Phil Collins?
Donna: Lol...
FIN
Coming Soon:
GHI grabs their magic wands and travel to...[drumroll]...HOGWARTS!!!!
GHI Lost Episode: The Curse of Harry Potter
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